Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
