i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
