Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
