He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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