His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Even the bartender felt bad for me
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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