my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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