Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
