This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
