So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
