my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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