That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
