Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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