so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
