So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize