I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
