I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
