I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
