i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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