My brain says no but my pants say off.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
