Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize