The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
