OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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