ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize