That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
