I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I need to sanitize my soul.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Randomize
