I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think I won the penis lottery.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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