I think I won the penis lottery.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
