Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
