I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
