i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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