Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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