my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
