he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
