My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
