Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
