He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
