My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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