you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize