I accidentally burped into my bong.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
