WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I have demons in me.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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