Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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