I'm gonna have a badass scar
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
