it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
