I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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