when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
