I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
