I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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