When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
