3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
