you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
