My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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