I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize