i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
