just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
