Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
please don't ironically join a cult
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