he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Sober January is a disaster.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
