Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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