The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
