why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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