My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
