You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You can't special order awesome
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
