He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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