it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
