forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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