my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
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