now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
