I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
