Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize