i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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