I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
